| # 44 : i'm so ctrl-alt-deleting your ass. |
[13 Mar 2005|01:21am] |
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mood |
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morose. |
] |
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music |
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the shins : caring is creepy. |
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Deja vu. More often than I can ever remember in my life, I recently haven't been prone to bouts of extreme dysphoria & dejection to this extent. Deja vu. I'm reliving eigth grade all over again minus the "this-is-a-cry-for-attention" bull shit. Thing is, I can't put my finger on what it is. I have everything right? The ideal relationship, good grades, I have my life set out for me, but it's the most dismal of things that make me want to permentaly erase myself from exsistance. No, not kill myself, but just be nothing. Nothing at all.
I have refrained from crying for a good portion of my years, allowing everything to build up, purposefully turning the off switch when it comes to emoting whatsoever, & it worked for me. It was a comfortable exsistance. Living in a fictional reality is better than a harsh reality, but it's when reality comes up & delivers you a nice slap in the face is when it all collapses. No matter how much you had programmed yourself to become a drone, mechanical, & lifeless, it's almost an irreversible process before you become some lackadaisical fool.
Now I find myself sheding tears over nothing. A song. A movie. Anything that reminds me of Him. Anything that has to do with my House. Anything that has to do with my Home [ANC]. Anything that has to do with my lost friendships. Anything that has to do with the fact that sometimes I feel completely & utterly destitute, detached, & alone. And therefore; vunerable. To emote is to become vunerable. Vunerablity is one of my only fears. And looky here, I'm at my livejournal feeding you more emotional bull shit you can feel fear to use against me.
I just need to be back at the Academy. I'm here now, but I wish it was to stay. I can't stand being at home; the only thing I live off is nicotine, my medication, and whatever interaction with Him I get.
The only word to describe this entry is pathetic, but right now that's what I am. A whining twit.
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| # 43 : Beauty in Break Down. |
[12 Mar 2005|07:43am] |
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mood |
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nostalgic. |
] |
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music |
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garden state soundtrack : lebonese blonde. |
] |
After long deliberation I've decided that next year I'm going back to the Academy as a dorm student.
I'm in the dorm now and I realized that in a weird, fucked up kind of way, I consider this home. Not some dysfunctional nightmare on Elm Avenue, I consider Glenn Hall to be my homne. Probably because I've been away for two and a half years here at this place, and I haven't had a real room at my actual house in years up until now. The familiarity I have with this place is depressing, and the looks I'm getting from some people are just plain awkward. Although, I don't care. Not one bit.
I was just reminded of a quote from Garden State but I'm going to refrain from saying it because it will ultimately make me look like a sappy/nostalgic/blah-di-da weirdo, however it really applies here.
I think I'm sticking around the dorm all weekend. In fact, I am.
I cried last night. I cried hard. I was on the phone with Ian I'm not sure if they were tears of happiness fpr what I have with him or tears for the longing for what I used to have at dorm. My instincts say it's a mixture between the two, the former being the most strongly dominating one. For some reason I'm convinced that years from now, no matter where Ian & I are, whether it together or apart, I will always remember him and the times I had at the Academy.
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| #42 : Lack of anything to say. |
[07 Mar 2005|12:54pm] |
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mood |
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gross cigarette taste in my mouth. |
] |
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music |
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none. |
] |
I just logged into Lettergrade [our schools online system that gives you up-to-date reports of your grades] and I feel like loading a .44 and painting the wall with my brain. These absences have killed me. I'm at the point of no return. I'm going to go every day again, but I know how Gabby feels. She missed three days one week, then four the next. It just adds up to the point where you can't even try to catch up it's so overwhelming. I need to study for two tests tonight, and three quizzes. The rest of my work is done, but it's times like these where I really wish I didn't care about my future so I could just settle with a 'C', but I have way too much pride for that. I know it's only halfway into the marking period, but dayum.
The only thing/person that makes me feel better about anything is Ian, and he's at school right now so I can't talk to him. Seriously, whenever I talk to him I almost immediately get set in a good mood and forget about the stupid petite "problems" I'm facing.
Right now I'm gonna go read the entire History chapter I had a test on Friday about.
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| # 36: Macth Maker, |
[28 Feb 2005|03:48pm] |
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mood |
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bleh. |
] |
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music |
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icon of coil :stimulated |
] |
This weekend has been a bit hectic, however cool over all. On my Birthday I went to the Pool Hall with Dylan, Larry, Amanda, Joelle, and Budd. I won a game, Amanda won a game, but overall we lost two dollars we put into a juke box for songs that never played. Bah I say to them.
Afterwards we went bowling. WOO. Man, I forgot how much I suck. I ended up coming in second, behind Amdanda once again, and I kept on noticing Joelle & Budd giving eachother 'high fives'. Woa, I guess I'm such a match-makerlol. He called he yesterday "just to talk" and today they made plans to hang out.
To be honest, I'm very glad. I rather her talk to/be interested in Budd than some lame fag asswipe whose name won't be mentioned here.
OH, & yeah. We got out early today but there's no snow.
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| # 35: Birthday/Survey. |
[25 Feb 2005|03:36pm] |
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mood |
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rushed. |
] |
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music |
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velvet acid christ : pretty toy. |
] |
February 26th, in the year of the Lord 2005, I will turn 17 years of age. That's tomorrow. To some, 17 may still be considered young. In fact, most of my friends have several years on me. However, I feel like 17 is over the hill. Sixteen was bad enough, and now seventeen? I feel ancient. From here on out I know I'll never be able to celebrate a birthday the same way I used to, beside my 21st birthday, but then again I've already drank to the point where I'm absolutely SICK of it, so I all ready spoiled that birthday. "And so it goes".
( A JOURNAL SURVEY. OMG, I REALLY AM BORED!!!1~ )
& now I'm off to the gallery.
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| # 34 : Personality Disorder Test. |
[24 Feb 2005|11:03pm] |
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mood |
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yawn. |
] |
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music |
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dj jurgen : pulse driver iv |
] |
I'm a jackass who posts quizzes that are irrelevant to anything & clog up your friends list! OH YEAH!
I find this to be fairly accurate, despite of the fact I hate psychological bull shit.
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| #33 : Ian's visit. |
[24 Feb 2005|01:28pm] |
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mood |
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distant. |
] |
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music |
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ayria : horrible dream [pzycho bitch mix] |
] |
YO, LISTEN UP ANYONE WHO WAS ATTENDING MY PARTY: It's canceled because of the snow, since it is snowing it could cause complications with people showing up plus it complicates what I needed to get today for the party because of lack of transportation now. So I guess I need to make a bunch of calls. It'll prolly be next SATURDAY now.[/END]
Dazed, is one of the many words that come to mind to describe how I feel. Spending five straight days with someone you believe that, in fact, could be [&is] the love of your life, is something that no words, no matter how in depth or how many words you use, could begin to possibly describe the elation involved.
The train ride back from the Greyhound station was depressing. The R8 moved slower than ever, my surroundings appeared to be a desolate waste land. Everything was grey, plain, the only color that stood out was the graffiti on the sides of bridges, which is not at all noteworthy enough to steer my mind away from the fact that he wasn't around anymore. A logical mind would be able to talk themselves down and settle on the fact that I'll be with him, once again, in a week or two. However, to someone despartely in love logic is a joke. Emotion over rided all logic, and for me that is something that happens rarely.
Looking back on a few of my entries I've realized how serious and uptight I sound, as if I take this public journal and turn it into some outlet for whatever coinsiding "emotions" [I hate the word emotions] that may be present. I hate that, but if I'm going to take time to write things down I might as well do it concisely. Keeping these god damn livejournals and the pathetically stupid paper journals I once looked at is probably the only reason I remember anything. If I don't have some memento, whether it be some meaningless words or what have you, a lot of my memories are lost. Quickly. I know that, one day, I'll go back on all these entries one-by-one and cringe, but if you can't look back on your past and cringe at what you once were - you know you're making no progress in self-development. I sound like a psychologist, Good Lord stop me.
I guess the rest of the time I spend on this site will just be documenting the happenings of this weekend objectively, although this is a time where the thought of deattachment from my "emotional side" {i used that word once again, shoot me} is damn near impossible.
SATURDAY: After spending the previous night at my Uncle's house, I had something to look forward to, something I've been anticipating for the past couple weeks. Ian was supposed to arrive at 4:15, but with the help of a random bum in New York City was able to find a transfer bus that left early and came in at 3:30. Approaching the Greyhound station was a difficult tact, I saw Ian, cigarette in hand, outside of it, and the urge to run up to him and bury him with hugs and kisses was unbearable. I kept on giggling into my sleeve, walking progressively faster and faster towards him. I got a couple stares from people standing by, and finally I greeted him with a kiss and a mile long smile spread out across my face.
From there we proceeded to Market East, clinging onto eachother as if the consequences for letting go were dire, and took the next train to Fox Chase. As we walked to my house from the station I was reminded of the old times him & I shared, and looking back on it seems so trivial. It's hard to even grasp Ian and I's relations pre-explusion & pre-visiting days. The basis of it was almost entirely superficial in nature, and now we have so much more, superficiality included.
A few hours later Corinne delivered me a message from Saige asking if I wanted to attend Dracula's Ball, an event that I've came to detest over the years, for numberous reasons, but since Ayria was playing and I love Jennifer Parkin [she was in Epsilon Minus & a few other bands I liked a lot at one point], I dragged Ian along with. I'm not going to say much about the event itself, other than Ayria put on a good show, and I got to meet Jennifer Parkin. It was hilarious, "LOOK IT'S 'AYRIA'", "WHERE!?", then I ran up, patted her on the shoulder and let out a bunch of shrieks & gave her a hug. I felt like I was some teenybopper freaking out over meeting NSYNC. Anyway, she was awesome & really sweet. I met her before and after the show, and afterwards she signed Saige's Hello Kitty backpack, and my barbie lunchbox, we also took a few pictures with her which I'll post later today since I'm putting them into one hour photo.
Almost immediately after they left the stage, we gathered up Steve, and decided to take a cab back to Rockledge. The cab ride was hilarious, and the driver must have thought we were completely out-of-our-minds insane with some of the conservation going on.
OTHER HAPPENINGS:
- Being able to wake up with Ian next to me every morning.
- Going out to dinner with Ian twice at the Austrian Village [Deutsch restruant] & some Chinese place I wanted to goto. It was a definite change because normally I just eat junk food or no food at my house since the panteries are often barren.
- The most disgustingly hilarious conversations I've participated in, ever, therefore making it clear in my mind that I can say pretty much whatever I want to Ian without having him revolted by me, in fact he'll join along & participate in my 'fourth grade antics'. These conversations were full of the most disgusting, immature, "what if", and theoretical questions I've ever heard. If anyone was to have overheard our conversations they would have been extremely set back by us.
- Ian and I's fiendish ways [and no, not in a drug sense].
- A complication, which I'm not going into, that in my mind jepordizied our future together, that in reality I think brought me closer to him even though the whole situation was mad [mad as in insane].
- Having Saige, Corinne, and Chelsea showing up at my door step unexpectedly looking like the biggest weirdos I've ever seen in my life. For example: Corinne was wearing a golden sequinned blazer, stripped stockings, fishnets, boots, had a drawn on unibrow, her hair up like Pebbles Flintstone, and a ballon attached to her head with a vulgar picture & the words "FART" and "POOP" on it. Pictures are to come, if you can stomach them.
It's strange, how every time that I think it's impossible to love him more than I all ready do, or to get any closer to him, I prove myself wrong. I guess when it comes to matters like these there are few, if any impossiblities.
Even though our weekend lacked in content, I think it's the context that really matters.
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| # 32: Hunter S. Thompson. This is significant. |
[21 Feb 2005|10:42am] |
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mood |
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not surprised. |
] |
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music |
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ian running the shower. |
] |
HUNTER S. THOMPSON COMMITS SUICIDE
NOOOOOOOOOOO! One of my favorite writers is dead. Just this Saturday I was in Borders contemplating over what the next book I should buy by him was.
RIP: Hunter S. Thompson 1937-2005.
My prediction is that he was having a bad acid flash back. Don't do drugs!
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| # 31 : Employment/Excitement. |
[18 Feb 2005|11:40am] |
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mood |
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pleased. |
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music |
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law class. |
] |
"WELCOME ABOARD"
That's right, I received the phone call last night informing me that I am officially part of the Rita's "Team". We'll see how long this lasts. The job pays shit, and I have no real need for money seeing as I'm generally financially well off, and the things I used to spend money on are things I could do away with anyhow. I all ready requested Wedensday nights off, oh yeah, that's right gotta have my GAWTH night in tact if I'm going into the work force. I can't wait until I get a real job - and fuck the whole you have to be eighteen to work in retail bit. I'll be seventeen in a week and I'll take the Pepsi Challenge with any eighteen year old when it comes to smooth talking someone into buying some worthless product that looks like shit on them.
Directly after school I'm being picked up and carried away to my Uncle's [Victoria, I'll call you seeing he lives about ten minutes away from you!] house for the night. He said he was going to take us to the Montgomery Mall & give us twenty-five dollars to spend for Christmas (they all ready got us some things this was just a bonus)- plus I'll get my birthday money. And we all know what happens tomorrow, Ian arrives at 4:15PM at the Greyhound station. I can't believe that in a little over twenty-four hours I'll be with him. It puts a huge smile on my face, to say the very least.
Needless to say, I'll be on a mini-livejournal hiatus with Ian around. I'd prefer spending my time with him and not glued to a computer screen dictating the events of his visit. That entry will come after he leaves, ;D!
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| # 30 : Nurse Trashley. |
[16 Feb 2005|06:28am] |
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mood |
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medical. |
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music |
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fixer/mccarthy [] destroyer |
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I just delivered Saige her horomones via intramuscular injection with this big mama jama. It looks a lot more intimidating in real life, believe you me.
I felt like I was in Pulp Fiction about to give the adreneline shot to save Mrs. Wallace's life, the needle was as big and I didn't know how well it'd break the skin so I didn't know if I had to just JAM the needle in or slide it in. I've had experiences with helping people give themselves shots, but this was more intense than ever. Intravenously injected into the upper ass.
INTENSE
Perhaps I should abandon law and look into a career in medicine.
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| # 28 : Happy Valentine's Day, motherfuckers. |
[14 Feb 2005|07:30pm] |
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mood |
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nicotine & valium. |
] |
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music |
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L7 [] Shit List [angry music, ooooo!] |
] |
Hello cable modem, good bye AOL.
My piracy levels have increased by 200% in the past hour alone.
My Valentine's Day was satsifactory until I found out this. Turns out Ian can only come down from this Saturday to Wedensday. His stay was completely cut in half, unprovoked by his father who doesn't feel comfortable having him down here that long. I wouldn't be so angry if it wasn't for the fact that the entire point of him coming to visit was to be around for my birthday [next Saturdy] or at the least the party [next Friday]. It's not as if we can bump up his visit from Saturday to Wedensday to Wedensday to Sunday, why? He all ready got his ticket. Ian got in a screaming match with his dad over it and he never fights like that with his parents, ever. Bah. I don't know, a lonely Valentine's Day and a lonely birthday. I know I'll have all my friends at my party [AT LEAST I BETTER], but things still won't be the same [PS: PAT BURNS, YOU'RE INVITED. COME. GET A RIDE WITH KAIT.]
BY THE WAY, MY PARTY IS NEXT FRIDAY FEBRUARY 25TH. Only come if you were directly invited somehow. K thx. The only present I accept is money or something that would normally cost me money but won't then, YEAH. You get the drift, suckas.
I'm chain smoking. As each cigarette I smoke turns to ash the more & more my sanity wears away. The nicotine levels that are harboring in my blood stream are at an all time high.
& to all of you priveledged enough to have your "special someone" around today: :D for you.
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| # 27 : Uncertainity. |
[14 Feb 2005|10:55am] |
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mood |
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odd |
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music |
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cowboy junkies [] sweet jane (natural born killers sndtrk) |
] |
As I light my first cigarette of the day, I sit here contemplating, and I'm thinking about how difficult it is to make out of what's going on in my life. Questioning the motives of my friends, questioning my character, wanting to rid myself of all my vices, drop my medication. Move on with life like a normal human being. My greatest fear is not living up to my potential. I've been privledged enough to have my whole college education paid for me, to have the financial opportunity to go wherever I want, to do whatever I want, to persue whatever career I'd like. I do the whole school thing well. I get good grades, I'm starting to participate in extracircular activities in my new school {I joined some writers club, although I don't consider myself a writer, and I'm now going to be a regular columnist for the school news paper, Lexi Bell, submissions editor asked me to write from them}. I can see my future going in a promising direction.
I have an excellent boyfriend, someone who will protect me, care for me, who cheers me up whenever I get in these moods, a family who's supportive of what I want to do with my life. In a way I have a silver spoon in my mouth, and I'm tarnishing it by my own unintentional persuit of self-destruction. All my friendships aren't seemingly based on anything of meaning anymore. Any person who meant something to me beyond all of our common vices have seemed to disapeared.
My insecurity levels are rising, they're higher than they ever been. I once was a vain, narcisstic bitch, now I get to the point where I just stare at myself in the mirror pointing out every flaw, things that other people don't notice, and I know I'm being irrational. Everyone's their own biggest critic. I can't wait until Ian's here, and at the same time I feel like he's becoming a crutch - just like my medication. A temporary distraction from the seemingly permenant problem.
That's the hard part about being a teenager - the smallest, most petite issues seem to be the end of the world, and even when put into perspective you know you're over reacting, but it doesn't change a damn thing.
I was going to goto school today, I woke up with my stomach in knots, I felt like my intenstines were doing cartwells over it, strangling it. I decided to go in late but I awoke from an eruption from upstairs - my mom and her boyfriend fighting. I had another nuclear melt down, and I exploded with a fit of rage, anger, sadness, the whole sprectrum of emotions - the ones I haven't felt poured out and I laid in bed. Thinking. Too much. My mom's picking up my school work. I need distractions, I need to get a job. Anything to stop me form becoming a total head case.
Only five more days. & as I light up another Marlboro Red, I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and more hope on the horizon than I can ever dream of.
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| # 26 : Mental Meltdowns. |
[13 Feb 2005|01:28pm] |
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mood |
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groggy. |
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music |
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depeche mode [] barrel of a gun. |
] |
Something be must wired in my head wrong because I've never been this sparatic in my mood in years. I go from being extremely content, happy, generally at ease to life, and before you know it I hate life and want to demolish the world and destroy everyone in it {with the exception of a select few}.
Anger has always played a big role in my life. I hold a lot of bitterness towards the world and people from past experiences and instead of whining&bitching&moaning I just lash out. My verbal assisanations aren't immune to anyone when I'm in my state of rage. It's almost like I'm in a trance, I get so asphyxiated on one certain issue that I obsess over it until I'm so angry I can barely move. These are what my panic attacks are like. They stop me dead in my tracks, come out of nowhere, and when they sneek up on me I'm stuck like a deer in head lights. The smallest thing someone does wrong, even if not meaning to do so purposely, makes me want to rip their heads off. It's not even that I'm angry at them I'm just so frustrated from the inside out for apparently no reason whatsoever that one word word could be like pressing the "launch" botton on a nuclear reactor. A chain reaction occurs, the wheels of my mind spin and spin until they begin to spark and BAM.
For a long time I have trained myself to block out any human emotion, I used to frequently remark about how mechanical & drone like I felt. Now it seems as if there's way too much going through my head. My emotions {by emotions i mean anger & anxiety} go into over drive and my paranoia levels can rival Harvey Danger's (anyone knowing that that refers to is doubtable).
Don't me wrong, I'm fine now, the only thing that bothers me is that when I get into those heavily irritatable/anxiety ridden moods I jump down the throat of people who've been there for me. I've burned so many bridges in my past with my votaile nature, & for awhile this began to reside, but I see it coming back stronger than ever. I just hope that I can mantain some self control so I don't screw myself over and hurt my real friends in the long run.
Everything has been finalized with Ian's visit to see me. He'll arrive this Friday and leave next Sunday. Over a week with my favorite person in the entire universe. Excuse me for a moment...
YAY!!!!!!
Now that I let that squeak of happiness out of me, I should probably let this journal end on a good note.
Scratch that, here's a ( frickin' journal survey. )
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| # 25: Love. |
[11 Feb 2005|09:29am] |
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mood |
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late for school/hurried. |
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music |
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waldorf [] you're my disco. |
] |
I often wonder, when thinking about Ian and I, is this just another one of my multiple cases of teenage naivete that in a few years or few months from now I'll look back on and want to vomit my guts out, but the past several weeks him and I have blossmed into something I never knew exsisted.
Ian and I met at the Academy of The New Church's summer camp two summers go, both forced to go by our parents. I saw him, listening to head phones, he took them off and gave them to some random girl who I'm now friends with. "What are you listening to?". It turned out it was just some shitty cd the girl wanted to him to listen to. We exchanged musical tastes that were one hundred percent identicle. Skinny Puppy, Artz+Pfusch, Nine Inch Nails [I was a HXC fan then], et cetera. He was only fourteen, I was fifteen, other than my older friends I've never met anyone who had the same musical interests as me who was in my age bracket. We automatically hit it off as friends, we talked to eachother and only eachother the entire time at camp, sitting on the steps of the Dining Hall, we were kind of inseperable, but not in a romantic way at all. We had sort of an affinity towards each other as it were. That week came and went, we exchanged screen names, and even said that we never expected to see each other again.
For the year and some months we corresponded somewhat frequently as internet buddies, especially last summer. We bashed everything and everyone, we both really enjoyed our cynical conversations we eachother. There was a point where he was one of the only three or four people I ever spoke to online on a regular basis {later I found out i was the only person who bothered speaking to on aim}. It was obvious we had a lot in common, our interests, opinions, and our personalities mirrored eachother perfectly, but all in a superficial way at this point. News came that he was coming to the Academy and I was really excited to know that he'd be around to brighten up my Junior year. Little did I know he'd do a whole lot more for me, as I would do for him.
Shortly after his arrivial at ANC we hung out on back campus, my house, "the valley", anywhere we could wander off where the dorm wouldn't bug us for being alone together [it's policy that only senior girls can be alone with boys]. We were really good friends, I was pretty much his only friend other than his room mate, and I had friends but he was the only one I primarily associated with.
One intoxicated night some things happened between us, to me meant nothing, but made me regretful because I thought I might have to drop someone I knew would be a great friend all throughout highschool because of the embarassment. After a day or two of awkwardness that all went away, and eventually we started unofficially seeing each other, and then "officially" seeing eachother. How it happened I'm not sure of, it just kind of fell into place.
Let's skip to my explusion: This is when what I once thought was just a superficial relationship that I only participated in because it let me feed into my vanity, something I once lost almostly completely, turned into something that became clear was way more than that.
We spent hours on the phone. Just talking. About everything. Bitching about how we got expelled, life in general, our pet peeves, how much manicial jackasses we were. We got many laughs and threw in the "I love you's".
It wasn't until his visit in Philadelphia after his explusion that confirmed in my mind that what him and I had was the realest thing I've ever experienced. I experienced the most beautiful {i hate that word} moment of my life {drug free, mind you}. And it's weird how a few simple words {"I want to be with you forever"} can make you melt into a complete state of happiness. Everything was in line, the lighting was perfect, we layed there on my living room coach holding each other, both giving each other kisses as if we were being paid by the kiss, and when he looked me in the eyes, after seeing Natural Born Killers together, and told me that, I saw the sincerity. And I can look through people easily, I've had a handful of "infatuations", but I realized this is love. I never knew I was capable of such a human emotion, I never felt anything like this before. I started crying tears of happiness and he grabbed me and I'd give anything to relive that moment.
But I know there will be more of those, we're still on the phone for hours at a time, even ranking up $763 phone bills, talking about things that I've never told a soul in my life, reaccounting events in both of our histories that have drastically affected the way we are now. Things I dare not repeat to myself, let alone another human being.
Our lives have followed almost the exact same patterns, both having experienced situations that are so similar in nature it's scary. We have the same quirks in our personalities, the extreme paranoia, the need for perfection, the bitterness we held towards the world & in people in it, the excessive vapidness, but most of my anger has softened since him and I have been together. "Every one has their demons, and Love kills them all" , as they say in Natural Born Killers.
What inspired me to write this entry was a phone conversation that him and I had, it the most intense conversation I've participated in - ever.
The thought of him being here, in my room in just a week from now for eight days makes me so happy because I know that things will only get better from here.
We basically made our lives eachother, and I couldn't give a shit less if that makes us obsessive or constitutes this as an unhealthy relationship, we have a symbiodic relationship that can't be broken by time, or anyone or thing tangiable or intangiable. I have found love-suicide.
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| #24 : Bah, I say. |
[09 Feb 2005|11:54am] |
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mood |
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content, yet bored |
] |
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music |
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Law. |
] |
Law Class is a total joke. I took my quiz, 100%, no doubt. I'm in the class right now, the teacher talks away. I don't find this class boring, I just wish there was more discussion because I all ready know all of this stuff. I should probably be in Debate instead.
Little by little my ego deflates. The most pathetic attempt to make friends was initiated by myself. I figure that instead of trugging through classes like a drone, I rather have someone to bitch with about Abington. However, I have too much pride to approach anyone in an attempt to make friends. My appearence is a bit outlandish at times, and others who dress "similarly" to me don't normally have much in common with me. Two words come to mind : white trash.
I was going to go tutor some kids after school for community service but instead I'm going home. Maybe Tiffany will goto the movies with me. I just need out of my house.
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| #23 : Looking at life objectively. |
[08 Feb 2005|11:38am] |
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Guten tag aus meinem Schule!
Life has been up & down, up & down, a never ending cycle of questions & answers, which lead to more questions. Being overanalytical, I thought, has always been a flaw of mine, but I'm realizing more & more it's a good thing. We all need solutions to our equations, I just so happen to be able to note every single one. And, no I'm not having another horrible case of paranoia.
I'm in Law now, I all ready finished the vocabulary and the study guide. This class is such a breeze. I all ready know everything we're learning so I just speed right through it and have extra time to type up meaningless banterings on this livejournal o' mine.
Corinne said something the other day while we were on South Street. A simple sentence, cliche, seemingly bland, but when it's actually meant in context it's quite a bold statement. What did she say? I love life. Excuse me for sounding like a hippy, but I love life. Simple as that, even though at times things are overwhelming, we all have our little earthquakes.
My mood is becoming static, but my life is moving in all sorts of directions throwing curve balls left & right.
There is only one thing that will never remain constant :life. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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| # 22 : I want to destroy you, you know who are. To me; you're nothing. |
[06 Feb 2005|10:31am] |
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devandra banhart [] insect eyes. |
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THIS WEEKEND: IN BRIEF
First off, since it inspired me to make a livejournal entry in the first placeKate made me an awesome new layout for this journal.
This week in order to "cheer me up" she did the nicest thing. She got the whole basement floor tiled, a new carpet, set up a computer desk & new computer chair for me, bought me a makeup mirror, a large cd carrying case, & set up a bathroom for me downstairs with a Hello Kitty memoboard, a hello kitty soap dispencer, a HK toothbrush holder, two hello kitty towels, and a HK wash cloth. So sweet of her. She never does stuff like this, I'm not a spoiled brat, but my mom felt really bad about what I was going through she wanted to make sure I felt at home. I mean, since I've been here I was living out of a suitcase & didn't have a bed. Now I have a bed, a new closet she set up for me here, and a bunch of drawers. :)
On Friday I went to the mall with Corrine and Drew. Here is when I realized that my medication is starting to make me out of it. I was really drowsy the entire time. However, I did get some things:
* Black&Silver Al Capone t-shirt.
*Pair of hoop glitterly, purple earrings.
*Pair of dangling pink, purple, and blue star earrings.
*Pins; David Bowie, Depeche Mode.
*Neon green fishnet shirt.
This makes the equation Ashley + $$$$ = HAPPY ASHLEY true.
I mainly lounged around with Tiffany yesterday. We went on a joy ride, as it were. Afterwards I "passed out" at Corrine's for a couple hours. Eventually I woke up & we did our new ritual.
&TODAY. I'm going to South Street with Corinne since my dad gave me my birthday money early. How sweet.
& on a super happy note; Ian is coming to stay with me in two weeks for an ENTIRE week for my birthday. He all ready paid his parents and everything. I love him. *dreamy eyes* I decided I need to go into a whole entry about him and I because him and I as a couple is too good for me to comprehend. I must agree with Kait that the best feeling in the world is rescipriocated love.
PS: I'm having a birthday party for myself on February 25th, two friday's from now. If you're on my friends list you're pretty much automatically invitied. I'll make it a party to remember. Just remember that all I want is money for my birthday, or a book or something {make sure to ask me in advance which one}. I'll email out further information within the week.
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| #21 : Second quarter marks. |
[31 Jan 2005|02:17pm] |
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melotron [] der anfang <3. |
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MY GRADES:
1) ENG III CP-0131-62 96.24%
2) ALG 2 TRIG-0331-31 86.53% [ALL BECAUSE OF THAT GOD DAMN TEST]
3) AM ST I CP-0231-81 100.00%
4) PE-0515-11 100.00%
5) CHEM H-0410-11 87.40%
6) GERMAN III H-0632-71 93.33%
So my grades for the first semester averaged with the Academy's:
American Studies: A+
Algebra II & Trig: B+
English: A+
Honors Chemistry: B-
Honors German III: A-
PE: B
& I'm getting switched to AP American Studies & Honors English within the week.
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